No, not really. [ ehe... ] But... eventually, if things here settle down and things at home do as well, I hope she will come see me if I am chosen to be the next Flameguard after all.
[ there's apparently a nomination process which Ok I GUESS ]
...Well, I got the Flame, but... the Order could still say that I shouldn't hold the position. [ ... ] I'm not honestly sure if I should hold it, either...
There's that, too. I'm not sure if I actually survived it or not.
[ at least he sounds a little less :stressed: about that bt he does set a hand on his heart and looks back at cloud for a long second as he considers the question. ]
...It is. Strength and willpower, and...the ability to remain steadfast to the path of the Flame no matter what. It's always been about strength, for me.
I - [ well its effective because like, immediately, with all the resolve in the world - ] No, of course I'm not!
[ don't conflate those two things!!! ]
I would never just give up. I just - [ complicated!!! emotions!!! he does not yell again, but he bites his lip. ]
I swore I would walk the path no matter what, and I've never strayed from it, but - is there any room for growth, in a position where you are the guardian of the continent...? What if something happened to Orsterra because I was not strong enough to defend it...?
[ well rondo yelling is better than rondo being insecure even if he is still insecure. haha, winning. ]
Growth depends on yourself, not what your job is. [ though he could argue defending a continent repeatedly does lend itself to growth depending on how. many things you fight, but This Isn't About That. ] If you don't think you're strong enough now, what's stopping you from getting stronger?
... I've always tried to be stronger, my whole life. And - I'm not going to stop, anytime soon. So long as I'm weak, nothing I hold dear is safe, after all.
[ he looks like he's going to say something else, but stops himself, shaking his head. it's just never quite enough, is the problem. ]
[ i hope you're ready for the most "sisi character drag" story in the entire world. ]
... Sir Sazantos told me when I first met him that I had the makings of the Flame, in me. And then...
[ ... ]
In order to wield the Flame, if you aren't born with it, you have to pass a trial. When I accepted the trial, I awoke in a strange place with the Ringbearer, and Aelfric spoke to me and said if I wanted the Flame, I had to kill the Ringbearer. When I refused, He said that I lacked resolve, and... had the Flame take over my body - and forced me to attack the Ringbearer with it. I couldn't fight it off, for a long time, and I hurt them.
[ there's another pause, there. sometimes you have possession trauma ]
...but... I told Him that if killing my friend was the only way to get the Flame, then I didn't want it. Even though the world needed a Flameguard, and even though I'd been trying to be strong enough to wield it my entire life... to me, the power wasn't worth the life of someone else. I couldn't kill someone so dear to me to further my own ambition.
And right after I said so, I was able to summon the Flame myself and eliminate the forces that were controlling my body. It was the first time I ever wielded it. And...when I came out of the trial, Sir Sonzon said that the Flame responded to my willpower. That was just a little while before I came here.
[ sometimes you have possession trauma <= mood, but now isn't the time. he listens to that and sort of frowns because that sounds like a p messed up test but he doesn't know religion so whatever. what's more important here is-- ]
So it's not strength. [ not in the way rondo was implying, or so it seemed to cloud? ] It was about yourself and your convictions. It wasn't about being strong enough to fight something back or protect someone. It was about knowing what's the right path.
[ we gotta stop handshaking on everything my square enix protagonist brother in christ
anyway. yeah! it's a messed up test. it was messed up to him, too, but he passed it! with flying colors! and yet!! rondo sets his hand on his heart as he finishes talking and leaves it there - the space without the flame has felt so cold since his arrival here. even with the monster gone, it's not much better. ]
...I suppose when you put it like that, yes. [ but it is about strength, in a sense. it's hard not think about it that way - especially when a lack of strength was what got him in the first place. a lack of strength against sazantos lost him the flame he'd worked so hard to earn. and, of course, karlach said it. you never stood a chance against me. and he never did, did he?
he's quiet for a little while, looking down at his hands. ]
Sir Sazantos told me a long time ago to walk with the Flame and follow my heart. And I've always done everything I could to do so. It's why I was prepared to fight him - I knew I had to stop him, even if it would hurt me to have to go against someone who was so precious to me.
Right. [ luckily cloud does not know rondo is thinking about how losing to karlach makes him weak which is good because cloud would be like i literally died to camille and kate stfu. instead he is trying to understand the issue here. he is not good at emotions ever in any shape or form please ] Thought that hadn't changed just because you lost it to him once?
But... it was a marked showing of the fact that I was not strong enough to overcome a threat to the continent, which is the main duty of the Flameguard. And... now that the Flame is gone, hypothetically, anyone else could take their own trial and pass it. The Ringbearer Chosen certainly could, if they wanted to.
[
probably. the trial was in hell. perhaps this is just an insecurity issue. perhaps.... sometimes you have big issues about being strong enough. perhaps being here has not made that any better. ] I don't know if the Flame will ever return. If I am to return from this place, it's likely that the others have already defeated Sir Sazantos in my absence. So...
[ which! that hurts for a whole other reason!!! but its fine. ]
[ i cannot emphasize how little he is the person who can help with these things he listens to it quietly and mulls it over but he is not Good at cheering people up or helping them with insecurities!!! ]
...So either you try to get it back, or you move on and try to do good some other way. You were a knight before you ever had that flame.
[ he. shrugs. ]
I think you're getting hung up on the wrong things.
[ well. this is a terrible place to look for guidance but he will. try. ]
You keep talking about how the Flameguard has to be strong and deal with everything or whatever, but it's not like you were traveling alone in the first place. You said it yourself. The rest of your companions might have already defeated that guy when you come back. It's not like everything rests on you alone being strong enough.
[ cloud like. thats why we have party members nods ]
[ king richard and queen alaune, bargello, lord eltrix, king solon, and... the ringbearer chosen. dear, precious friends, though... the guardians of light were a once in a lifetime group. at home, it would be... maybe captain hugo. ]
I've been very lucky to have many dear companions, and... I draw a lot of strength from them, but...
[ bleh. he shakes his head. ] I don't know. This is all very silly.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ mumbles in time because square enix doesnt know how to make a timeline ]
We write each other often, but... things have been busy. [ and now he's here! and dead! ]
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Right. Guess visiting isn't much of an option. [ he's here and dead but he'll get better it's fine godddd ]
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No, not really. [ ehe... ] But... eventually, if things here settle down and things at home do as well, I hope she will come see me if I am chosen to be the next Flameguard after all.
[ there's apparently a nomination process which Ok I GUESS ]
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[ THE NOMINATION PROCESS FOR BEING POPE..... "its not pope" POPE ]
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...Well, I got the Flame, but... the Order could still say that I shouldn't hold the position. [ ... ] I'm not honestly sure if I should hold it, either...
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What, you think there's someone else better qualified?
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…I’m sure there are others who would be. [ also no one is sazantos ]
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What's bringing this on all of a sudden? You seemed pretty proud to have been chosen by it before.
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...I was! Of course, of course I was, I just... don't have it anymore. I wasn't strong enough to stop Sir Sazantos from taking it, and...
[ and also something something got murdered something insecurity ] ...I've just been thinking about it, is all.
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[ first of all [hardass voice] but he looks at rondo ]
Is being chosen by that thing about strength? You never really said.
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There's that, too. I'm not sure if I actually survived it or not.
[ at least he sounds a little less :stressed: about that bt he does set a hand on his heart and looks back at cloud for a long second as he considers the question. ]
...It is. Strength and willpower, and...the ability to remain steadfast to the path of the Flame no matter what. It's always been about strength, for me.
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The path of the flame, huh. [ cloud your capitals!! ] Maybe you're right about not being strong enough for it if you're giving up.
[ cloud is this the time for tough love/asshole ]
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[ don't conflate those two things!!! ]
I would never just give up. I just - [ complicated!!! emotions!!! he does not yell again, but he bites his lip. ]
I swore I would walk the path no matter what, and I've never strayed from it, but - is there any room for growth, in a position where you are the guardian of the continent...? What if something happened to Orsterra because I was not strong enough to defend it...?
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Growth depends on yourself, not what your job is. [ though he could argue defending a continent repeatedly does lend itself to growth depending on how. many things you fight, but This Isn't About That. ] If you don't think you're strong enough now, what's stopping you from getting stronger?
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[ he looks like he's going to say something else, but stops himself, shaking his head. it's just never quite enough, is the problem. ]
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... Why do you think the flame chose you in the first place?
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... Sir Sazantos told me when I first met him that I had the makings of the Flame, in me. And then...
[ ... ]
In order to wield the Flame, if you aren't born with it, you have to pass a trial. When I accepted the trial, I awoke in a strange place with the Ringbearer, and Aelfric spoke to me and said if I wanted the Flame, I had to kill the Ringbearer. When I refused, He said that I lacked resolve, and... had the Flame take over my body - and forced me to attack the Ringbearer with it. I couldn't fight it off, for a long time, and I hurt them.
[ there's another pause, there. sometimes you have possession trauma ]
...but... I told Him that if killing my friend was the only way to get the Flame, then I didn't want it. Even though the world needed a Flameguard, and even though I'd been trying to be strong enough to wield it my entire life... to me, the power wasn't worth the life of someone else. I couldn't kill someone so dear to me to further my own ambition.
And right after I said so, I was able to summon the Flame myself and eliminate the forces that were controlling my body. It was the first time I ever wielded it. And...when I came out of the trial, Sir Sonzon said that the Flame responded to my willpower. That was just a little while before I came here.
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So it's not strength. [ not in the way rondo was implying, or so it seemed to cloud? ] It was about yourself and your convictions. It wasn't about being strong enough to fight something back or protect someone. It was about knowing what's the right path.
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anyway. yeah! it's a messed up test. it was messed up to him, too, but he passed it! with flying colors! and yet!! rondo sets his hand on his heart as he finishes talking and leaves it there - the space without the flame has felt so cold since his arrival here. even with the monster gone, it's not much better. ]
...I suppose when you put it like that, yes. [ but it is about strength, in a sense. it's hard not think about it that way - especially when a lack of strength was what got him in the first place. a lack of strength against sazantos lost him the flame he'd worked so hard to earn. and, of course, karlach said it. you never stood a chance against me. and he never did, did he?
he's quiet for a little while, looking down at his hands. ]
Sir Sazantos told me a long time ago to walk with the Flame and follow my heart. And I've always done everything I could to do so. It's why I was prepared to fight him - I knew I had to stop him, even if it would hurt me to have to go against someone who was so precious to me.
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But... it was a marked showing of the fact that I was not strong enough to overcome a threat to the continent, which is the main duty of the Flameguard. And... now that the Flame is gone, hypothetically, anyone else could take their own trial and pass it. The Ringbearer Chosen certainly could, if they wanted to.
[
probably. the trial was in hell. perhaps this is just an insecurity issue. perhaps.... sometimes you have big issues about being strong enough. perhaps being here has not made that any better. ] I don't know if the Flame will ever return. If I am to return from this place, it's likely that the others have already defeated Sir Sazantos in my absence. So...
[ which! that hurts for a whole other reason!!! but its fine. ]
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...So either you try to get it back, or you move on and try to do good some other way. You were a knight before you ever had that flame.
[ he. shrugs. ]
I think you're getting hung up on the wrong things.
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he looks over at him with that, though...? looking for Guidance... cloud you're so smart and cool surely you will understand ]
... Do you think so?
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You keep talking about how the Flameguard has to be strong and deal with everything or whatever, but it's not like you were traveling alone in the first place. You said it yourself. The rest of your companions might have already defeated that guy when you come back. It's not like everything rests on you alone being strong enough.
[ cloud like. thats why we have party members nods ]
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[ king richard and queen alaune, bargello, lord eltrix, king solon, and... the ringbearer chosen. dear, precious friends, though... the guardians of light were a once in a lifetime group. at home, it would be... maybe captain hugo. ]
I've been very lucky to have many dear companions, and... I draw a lot of strength from them, but...
[ bleh. he shakes his head. ] I don't know. This is all very silly.
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