flameguard | mygod | pc catchall

[ HE'S SO FUCKING SAD!!!! ]

I really thought they'd have a plan for her.

[ why did ashlyn have to bleed out "cola wanted it" WHY ]

... I almost can't believe they didn't.

[ but that's reality!!! he's just as sad, too wrung out and tired to cry, but just. exhausted. was it really rondo and vin who were the decisive ones? ]

She... it shouldn't have had to be that way. I know it's easier for us, because we can see everything with more clarity, but...

It shouldn't, but it was.

[ iwatooshi isn't happy about it, but he is likewise too tired for tears now, especially after remembering what he'd lost. ]

It may be easier for us, but... I suppose what's frustrated me is that they seemed to know already, and still chose to wait. I'd like to understand their reasoning.

...maybe they were afraid. Or...

[ ... even he doesn't know. rondo can understand stage fright, but - you can say a lot about him, but he's never been anything but decisive. he was the one who dealt the blow to camille, after all. ]

... there are so many left over there who aren't combatants. It's no excuse, but... maybe it's just different, for people like us.

Or maybe they didn't want to hurt a child. There's any number of reasons it could be, I suppose.

[ it's certainly different for iwa, who isn't even human. for a tool created for war, the answer is often to kill, so he sees no problem with it. the others... probably not so much. ]

But you may be right about that. They aren't all used to having to take lives. [ pauses. ] And... it does become harder when you've known someone for longer.

Many of them are children, too. Miss Ashlyn, included. It's easy to forget that after everything they've all been through, but...

[ ... ]

...I still think it's cruel. [ rondo's feelings on this are the same as they were with karlach, the week of his own trial. ] I think it's even crueler to force them to keep living with it, especially knowing that we're all here. It's not as much of a kindness as they think it is.

Mm. It's a responsibility that none of them should be burdened with.

[ if only they could do something about it. ]

I agree. [ ... ] But that is our kindness. Perhaps, in their mind, it's different. We can't know until they tell us.

[ "kindness comes in many shapes," mikazuki had said. iwatooshi once realized that his own kindess was selfish... maybe that's how it is for the living, or perhaps he and rondo are the selfish ones now, in deciding that they know best. it's hard to say when they know so little. ]

[ he slumps, a little, and just... leans into iwatooshi, nodding. he's wise, and he's right, but... it's hard for rondo to imagine a world where letting someone suffer longer is anything but selfish. he'll try, though, taking in a deep breath. in, and out. ]

... It just means we'll have to welcome her with open arms, tomorrow. I think that's a kindness everyone could agree on.

[ he can feel now so there's just a slight wince at that, but iwatooshi has a pretty high pain tolerance so he won't push rondo away. he understands. it sucks. ]

Naturally. There are a lot of us here who treasure Ashlyn-dono, so I wouldn't worry about that at all. It's just a matter of how many we'll need to welcome tomorrow, now.

[ AAAH he immediately looks apologetic when he feels him wince and moves off. ]

... I... don't think we're going to get as many people as some of the others think, tomorrow.

[ STOP HE WAS FINE WITH IT ]

...I've been wondering about it, too. I think... it wouldn't be much of a surprise if they repartnered, if only to be able to make their own choices about who remains during the week to come.

[ hateful to think of it, but. ]

...I'm sure they're scared, since they don't know what happens. But...

[ ... but for rondo, it feels like the obvious choice - especially for this group, who hesitated so badly with ashlyn on saturday that it cost essek his life, and caused her to die slowly, painfully, and miserably. ]

... I have faith in them, but... they shouldn't have to make it more painful than they already are.

It's only natural that they'd be afraid. We've no idea what's to come for the unpartnered, and I worry that it won't be as quick or painless as we might prefer.

[ considering that everything else has just been constant misery, he'd be surprised if this went any better.

pats rondo gently. ]

I agree with you. But I think wanting to choose for themselves is very human, too.

[ the phrasing of that in particular resonates with rondo. he smiles a little bit - lifts his head up, gaze towards the ceiling, thinking. hope like a flame, burning as small as an ember but never extinguished in his too big heart. ]

... I think so too.

[ human. ]

Good, bad... whatever decisions they make or desires they want, people should be allowed to chase them. [ it was part of rondo's crux issue with sazantos' world - desire is bad sometimes. desire can cause people to be selfish and cruel. but... desire can lead to love, too. it can lead to strength. the power that he wielded when he had the flame came because he desired the chance to be stronger. not to harm others, but to protect them. complex, nuance, gray, human.]

[ ...he can imagine what rondo is thinking now, after encountering sazantos and listening to his villain monologue. perhaps it wasn't exactly the same, perhaps sazantos is still out there, but -

iwatooshi nods. ]

That is part of what makes humanity what it is, through the good and the bad. It's part of why I've always loved them.

Even if it feels cruel to us, it's their decision, in the end, and they deserve to make it for themselves.

mygod | pc catchall | iwatooshi

week 6, saturday

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